At the Holidays, We Hope…
For those of you for whom this is your first holiday with the empty chair at the Thanksgiving table, we know that it is a particularly difficult day for you, and all of us who have been through that first major holiday understand your sadness and will keep you close in our hearts during this holiday season.
For those of you who have been through the first one and are in what I feel still the early years of this grief journey, we know how exhausting it is to try to put on a mask in order to make others feel comfortable. Here is hoping that you will be able to feel however you may feel today, and that your family and friends will be understanding and compassionate and allow you to have those emotions, whatever they may be.
For those of us further down the road of our grief journey, we know that no matter the years that have passed since our child, grandchild, sibling or other precious one has been gone, that though the years may soften our grief, we still ache for their presence and miss them with all our being.
And, above all, I truly hope that family and friends will speak their names and thereby giving you the gift of allowing you to remember - with them - the one you miss so much. Though gone from this earth, they are loved and present in our life every day and will forever be.
Cathy Seehuetter TCF St. Paul, MN
Reduce Holiday Anxiety
The holidays are upon us. Office parties, church parties, club parties, party-parties. Pressures to buy, to bake, and to bask in the season are applied from within and without. As the holidays approach, most bereaved parents feel anxiety, apprehension and some little bit of fear. The past is gone along with our beautiful children. We live in the now, the new reality, of holidays without our children.
Newly bereaved parents are especially vulnerable; even seasoned parents can’t avoid the momentary tearfulness, the anxiety and the pain of this season completely. But there are ways to cope.
Avoid loud, noisy parties. If you plan to do any shopping, do not go into stores during peak traffic times. Take a friend with you who can help you to focus on what you must buy and then leave.
Avoid depressing and maudlin movies and shows. Do as much or as little as you feel is appropriate. Take “holiday breaks.” Do some gardening: this is an ideal time to plant trees and shrubs. Clean out the garage. Stay busy with tasks that are unrelated to the holiday rush. Send cards if you decide you’re up to the task. If you’re not ready to do this, don’t do it. Don’t put pressure on yourself to live up to the expectations of others.
Find what is right for you. Pressures from others mean nothing. You choose whether a celebration is in order. You choose how to celebrate. You choose the old traditions or you choose some new ones . . . maybe you choose nothing and decide to go with the flow of the moment. As bereaved parents, you will always remember your child at Christmas, but as the years add up and grief starts to release its grip on your soul, you may find that you can keep your child in your heart and have room for the spirit of Christmas, as well.
Each of us learns to deal with Christmas in our own way. Each year I am a different person with a new perspective on the holidays. This year I may decide to skip it all or immerse myself in the season. My truth is ever changing.
The holidays do get better. Life does get better. The days will gradually become softer and sweeter. The nights will ease into gentleness. Friendships will again have luster, and relationships will become deeper and more meaningful. That is the future for each of us. The present is driven by where we are in our grief. So for this and every Christmas holiday season, be who you are and mark the day as you choose.
May we all have serenity throughout the holiday season and in the years ahead.
Annette Mennen Baldwin TCF Katy, TX
In Memory of my son, Todd Mennen
For those of you for whom this is your first holiday with the empty chair at the Thanksgiving table, we know that it is a particularly difficult day for you, and all of us who have been through that first major holiday understand your sadness and will keep you close in our hearts during this holiday season.
For those of you who have been through the first one and are in what I feel still the early years of this grief journey, we know how exhausting it is to try to put on a mask in order to make others feel comfortable. Here is hoping that you will be able to feel however you may feel today, and that your family and friends will be understanding and compassionate and allow you to have those emotions, whatever they may be.
For those of us further down the road of our grief journey, we know that no matter the years that have passed since our child, grandchild, sibling or other precious one has been gone, that though the years may soften our grief, we still ache for their presence and miss them with all our being.
And, above all, I truly hope that family and friends will speak their names and thereby giving you the gift of allowing you to remember - with them - the one you miss so much. Though gone from this earth, they are loved and present in our life every day and will forever be.
Cathy Seehuetter TCF St. Paul, MN
Reduce Holiday Anxiety
The holidays are upon us. Office parties, church parties, club parties, party-parties. Pressures to buy, to bake, and to bask in the season are applied from within and without. As the holidays approach, most bereaved parents feel anxiety, apprehension and some little bit of fear. The past is gone along with our beautiful children. We live in the now, the new reality, of holidays without our children.
Newly bereaved parents are especially vulnerable; even seasoned parents can’t avoid the momentary tearfulness, the anxiety and the pain of this season completely. But there are ways to cope.
Avoid loud, noisy parties. If you plan to do any shopping, do not go into stores during peak traffic times. Take a friend with you who can help you to focus on what you must buy and then leave.
Avoid depressing and maudlin movies and shows. Do as much or as little as you feel is appropriate. Take “holiday breaks.” Do some gardening: this is an ideal time to plant trees and shrubs. Clean out the garage. Stay busy with tasks that are unrelated to the holiday rush. Send cards if you decide you’re up to the task. If you’re not ready to do this, don’t do it. Don’t put pressure on yourself to live up to the expectations of others.
Find what is right for you. Pressures from others mean nothing. You choose whether a celebration is in order. You choose how to celebrate. You choose the old traditions or you choose some new ones . . . maybe you choose nothing and decide to go with the flow of the moment. As bereaved parents, you will always remember your child at Christmas, but as the years add up and grief starts to release its grip on your soul, you may find that you can keep your child in your heart and have room for the spirit of Christmas, as well.
Each of us learns to deal with Christmas in our own way. Each year I am a different person with a new perspective on the holidays. This year I may decide to skip it all or immerse myself in the season. My truth is ever changing.
The holidays do get better. Life does get better. The days will gradually become softer and sweeter. The nights will ease into gentleness. Friendships will again have luster, and relationships will become deeper and more meaningful. That is the future for each of us. The present is driven by where we are in our grief. So for this and every Christmas holiday season, be who you are and mark the day as you choose.
May we all have serenity throughout the holiday season and in the years ahead.
Annette Mennen Baldwin TCF Katy, TX
In Memory of my son, Todd Mennen